Collection of All Joking Aside-April 2004

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April 2004

Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One.

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with an abalone?
Answer - a crock-o'-baloney.

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

A man goes to a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it.
"Darndest church I ever went to," he replies, "the only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs.

The Carpenter's Son

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
"Hello? Hello?"
Jesus replied, "Who is it?"
"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

Homer replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?

Somebody who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

Q. What happens if you play country music backwards?
A. You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her
    mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even
    believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll
    show him how wrong he is."

A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.

As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry-and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.

The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.

"You should have gotten all of our lunches!" scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi's, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.

The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?"

The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"

The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"

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