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March
2004
How
many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten — one to change the bulb and nine to watch and say, "I could
do that."
Two
vultures were not allowed to board their flight. Why? Because
their carrion luggage was rejected.
What's
yellow and goes "click - click?"
A ballpoint banana
Q:
How does the man-in- the-moon cut his hair?
A: Eclipse it!
Two
goats are walking in the Hollywood hills and they find a tin of film.
The first goat eats it. The second goat asks "How'd it taste?"
The first goat answers, "Not bad but I liked the book better."
Why
was the Buddhist monastery saving up to replace their old 717 with a
brand new 747?
They were striving to attain a higher level of
Boeing!
Why
did the vampire read the Greater Grace OnLine Daily Gazette?
He heard it had good circulation!
Three women
from Maltby die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely
ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the
first woman.
The
third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but
one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The
happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"
The
guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
The GIA has learned that Assuma bin Laden is somewhere in the southern
United States. However, they can't pinpoint his location because he
joined the Texas Air National Guard, transferred to Alabama, and
apparently never reported for duty.
* Grace Intelligence Agency
A
highway patrolman saw a car speeding along on the highway.
Glancing at the car, he was astonished to see a blonde behind the wheel,
knitting.
The Trooper cranked down his window and yelled: “PULL OVER!”
“NO,” yelled the blonde, “SCARF!”
Q:
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A:
Professional courtesy.
There
were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep
their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and
looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he
see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and
true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought
out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for
the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral,
you must say my brother was a saint."
The
pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He
was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and
abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time,
he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a
saint."
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with an abalone?
Answer - a crock-o'-baloney.
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