Collection of Jokes published August '04

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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn?"

-- Bob Hope

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For those over 40

This day in History

August 2004

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 5, 7 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, and the Cartoon Network!"

Two members of the Church of the Prime Rate, member FDIC were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the Prime Raters said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again, they refused.

Therefore, the florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their

shop, and said that if they did not close, he would be back.

Well, very terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms.

This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says, "Really? Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Universal Church of Graceminster decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse.

He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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From 2003

July Jokes

August Jokes

September Jokes

October Jokes

November Jokes

December '03 Jokes