Collection of Jokes published February '05

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A professional orchestra began playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony during a concert. As it happens, there isn't a lot for the tubas to play for a while. The lead tuba player suggests they sneak out the back door, to the bar across the street for a quick beer. Just so they would know where they were when they returned, the tuba players tied string around their music parts.

When they returned, it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

Her husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable," the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Two guys from Eastern Europe were vacationing in Yellowstone Park last summer. One guy was from Poland, the other from the Czech Republic. The second night out they were attacked and eaten by a mating pair of grizzly bears. After a long search, the rangers caught and killed the female bear. When they cut open her stomach, they found the Polish guy's remains inside. One ranger looks at the other and said, "The Czech's in the male."

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

     Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
     At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.
     By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
     The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

   - A half-gallon of 2% milk,
   - A carton of eggs,
   - A quart of orange juice,
   - A head of romaine lettuce,
   - A 2 lb. can of coffee,
   - And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

     As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
     While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
     "You must be single."
     The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
      Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
      The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

     A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
     The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
     God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
     A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
     God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.

"OLD" is when ..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.

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From 2003

July Jokes

August Jokes

September Jokes

October Jokes

November Jokes

December '03 Jokes