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  "A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn?"

February 2006

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state:
     Washington, Nebraska, Georgia and California.

     Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Georgia started pulling peaches from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Georgia, I'm just sick of looking at them!"

     A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Washington.

     "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just so-o-o sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Washington opened the car door and pushed the Californian out.

 An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100 they give to all released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him. He was immediately re-arrested and thrown back into jail.

      Everyone knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

         "Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

         Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised,...... You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the last twenty years!"

Reasons for upping the age limit on military service and sending older troops into harms way in places like Iraq, Iran or Idaho:

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.  He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an
eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.

Don't Mess with Seniors Department...

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

Four guys from Lake Aasgaard went up to Northern Minnesota fishing. To save a little money, they rented a small cabin that had only two bedrooms. Well, Arne sleeps with Ole the first night and he comes to breakfast in the morning with his hair a mess, and his eyes all bloodshot.

They say, "Vat happen to you?"  
Arne says, "That Ole, he snores so loud, I vas kept avake vatching him all night.  I can't do dat 'nother night so vun of you's got to do it".

Since Ole snores so loudly, no one else wants to room with him, but they finally agree to take turns. The next night is Oscar's turn.  In the morning, same thing - -hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. 
Oscar declares, "Fer sure, dat Ole shakes da roof.  And he sleeps so hard, I couldn't vake him.  I vatched him all night." 

The third night was Sven's turn.  Next morning Sven comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "They can't believe it! 
They say, "Vat happened?"

Sven say, "Vell, ve get ready for bed. I go und tuck Ole into bed and kiss him good night and den I pat him on da butt.  Den he vatches me all night !

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.  He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"  She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"  She again replied, "Why, yes, I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.  One of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

Q: How many Pentagon officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that's classified information.

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