Collection of Jokes published June '04

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June 2004

Didja hear about the dyslexic agnostic who wasn't sure
there really is a dog?

    A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
            "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
            "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee."
            "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
            "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
            "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
             "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
            "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
            "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
            "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thank God we can all still drive."

Q. How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One to do it, and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80's.

What goes, "clippity clop. clippity clop. bang bang, clippity clop. bang bang.?
Answer: an Amish drive by.

Hugo was driving the town's public works truck through Maltby late last night. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly the 1970 truck started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and went to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately (and confirmed constantly by the Grace Mayor-for-Life), the Grand Marshal had a severely limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, Hugo cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

Hugo jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and Hugo was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, Hugo tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he finally reached downtown Clearview, he ran into the local bar.

"Large blue sapphire on the rocks, please!" he uttered.

A farmer sitting at the bar looked at Hugo's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," Hugo replied and recalled the whole tale to the suspendered one.

The farmer took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse you say, was it by any chance a white horse?"

Hugo replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the farmer, " 'cause the black horse don't know squat about cars either!"

A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

      A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes right up to the pharmacist and says, "I want to buy some arsenic!"
     The pharmacist responds, "That's awful dangerous stuff. What do you want it for?"
     "I want to poison my husband!"
     "Why would you want to do that?"
     "Well," the lady says, "I have a picture of my husband and YOUR wife going into a motel."
     The pharmacist takes the picture and carefully studies it for a moment, then says: "Ah, I see you have a prescription."

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From 2003

July Jokes

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December '03 Jokes