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2004
Joke Emporium
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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you
ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn?"
-- Bob Hope
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July
2004
Knock
knock
Who's there?
One shoe.
One shoe who?
One shoe come home, Bill Bailey...
Did
you hear that Ford announced a huge recall of late-model Mercury cars?
They
found traces of tuna in them.
A
very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to
the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When
he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks,
softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually I'm not," says the man.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak
to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into
his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the
bartender. "He's won't be in until later. Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a
message," she starts running a forefinger across the bartender's
lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to nip at them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the
bartender manages to say around her cool, delicate fingers.
"Tell him," she whispers, "that
there's no toilet paper, no soap, and no paper towels in the ladies
room."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
took off to Hollywood and became rich star. The other stayed in Carolina
and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of
two weevils.
Knock
Knock
Who's there?
Panther.
Panther who?
Panther
no panth, I'm going thwimming.
One
Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra
money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra
in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able
to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and
noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so
excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and
said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in
the plate.
A
very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she
made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the
three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and
him and him."
On
their honeymoon, the new husband said to his bride, "I have a
confession
that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect
our relationship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say golfer, I mean that I'll be on the golf
course
Saturdays, Sundays, Wednesday afternoons and any holidays. If it
comes to a choice between your wishes and golf----golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty.
In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I concealed
something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a
hooker."
"No problem," was his response. "Just narrow your
stance a little and
overlap your grip; swing through the ball, and that should clear it
right
up."
Q.
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can't know.
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