Collection of Priceless Jokes forJuly 2005

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon come up when a wave came over the railing and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a FAX from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you that we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and, attached to her rear was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise”.

The old man FAXed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!”

A man in the local supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

The Woodinville law firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe advertised for a secretary. A golden retriever answered the ad, passed the typing test and got the job. During the interview, the personnel manager says, "But how about foreign languages?"
The golden retriever replies, "Meow!"

Q: What brand of white cotton underwear briefs do Minnesotan men wear?

A: Hoot Of The Loon.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

An Alberta rancher and his wife were bickering while holidaying in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."

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Hugo

From 2003

July Jokes

August Jokes

September Jokes

October Jokes

November Jokes

December '03 Jokes