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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you
ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn?"
-- Bob Hope
Other
Daily Features
in your OnLine Gazette
Traits
of Family Dog
Define
This
For
those over 40 This
day in History
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June
2005
Q:
Why are blonde jokes so short?
A:
So men can remember them
A
city boy named Kenny moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for
$100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said: "Sorry son, but I have
some bad news. The
donkey died.
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The
farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny
said, "OK, then just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny": "I'm going to raffle him off!"
Farmer:
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that
dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and
made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."
Kenny grew up
and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
A
precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing front teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter,
do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my
python weally gives a thit."
Sven
and Ole were walking down the street, on the way to the post office.
They passed the Jorgenson's house, and the family dog was out in the
front yard, giving himself a very selective bath.
Sven said to Ole, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
Ole replied, "Well, I could hold him for you if you need me
to."
Farmer
Ted's favorite milk cows, Daisy and Dolly, were standing out in the
field one bright, sunshiny morning just visiting away.
Daisy said to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
morning."
To which Dolly responded, "Oh, I don't believe that."
"No, really" said Daisy, "No Bull."
A
Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish
scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal
employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and
read:
"Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6
years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me
and my sister. Would you please send us $500?"
The postal employee was touched. He
showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few
dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.
A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter
addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash,
but ended with this request:
"Next time would you send the money
directly to us? If you send it through the post office, they deduct
$200."
A
blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He lifts up the
dog by its tail and whirls him around above his head.
The barman is alarmed: "What are you doing?"
The man replies: "Just having a look around."
There once was a man who sent ten puns
to some friends in hopes at least one
of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
How
do lumber truck drivers differ from every other type?
They have to be board certified.
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