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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you
ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn?"
-- Bob Hope
Other
Daily Features
in your OnLine Gazette
Traits
of Family Dog
Define
This
For
those over 40 This
day in History
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March
2005
Humor
provided by our loyal browsers!
Termite
went into a bar and asked,
"Is the bar tender here?"
How many Irishmen does it
take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen, no less: one to hold the
bulb and the rest to drink Irish whiskey until the room spins.
Two
ropes go into a bar.
The
bartender says, "Get outta here. We don't serve no ropes in
here."
The
ropes retreat outside and one says to the other, "I have an
idea."
He
ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes right back in.
The
bartender says, "Hey. No ropes."
The
rope says, "I'm not a rope."
The
bartender snorts, "You're not a rope?"
"Nope,"
replies the rope, "I'm a frayed knot."
Breakfast
for Seniors
Went
to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds
good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you t $2.49 because you're ordering a la
carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife
asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs
home.
How is duct tape like The Force?
It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
Ole
is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice
one for sale over in Minnesota, so he drives to Minnesota, looks at the
cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat
and pulls, the cow passes gas. Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the
farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again..
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow passes gas again. But milk
comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and
takes it home. He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey
Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and
see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow
farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in
Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you
know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
What
did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
A
man took his wife to the Grace Rodeo last week and one of the exhibits
is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there
was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times
last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her
husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a
lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year. " The wife got
really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY
learn something from this one.
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was
with the same cow."
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he
should make a full recovery.
A
woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the
phone."
What
is the difference between a foolish Dutchman and a long hollow tube?
One
is a silly Hollander and the other is a hollow cylinder.
A
guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told
the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I
wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The
guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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