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2004
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"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you
ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn?"
-- Bob Hope
Other
Daily Features
in your OnLine Gazette
Traits
of Family Dog
Define
This
For
those over 40 This
day in History
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November
2004
What's
large, gray, and doesn't matter?
An
irrelephant.
After
a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. Saint
Peter came by and the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed
her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter asked the woman to watch the Gates
of Heaven for him one day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of
Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you
been?"
"Oh,
I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you
were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell,
the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Q:
Why did the lazy zookeeper get fired?
A: He sat on his ocelot.
Joe was a
successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by
incredible headaches.
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a
new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size
44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and
a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar
in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new
underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The veteran salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A
34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Blonde
walks up the counter and orders a cheeseburger, fries and diet Coke.
The
man behind the counter says "Blondie! Look around, this is a
LIBRARY!"
"Oh,
how silly of me." says the blonde. She then begins whispering,
"I'd like a cheeseburger and fries, and a Diet Coke..."
What do
they call a caveman who has absolutely no idea where he is going?
A
meanderthal.
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